yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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