Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The Olympian is in my bed
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
