i already hear my dad disowning me
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
