I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
