I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
