I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
