I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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