You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
