I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
