Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
