I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
