why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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