Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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