No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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