You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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