No, drunk sperm still make babies.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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