it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
