dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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