Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
