You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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