I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
