made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
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