I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
