I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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