nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I could make wine with my vomit
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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