In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
