apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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