I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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