Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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