She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
