I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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