seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
