Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
