as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
