Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
