I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
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I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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