she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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