Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
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SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
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I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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