Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
