I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
