yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
