SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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