i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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