i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i will never coherently bang her
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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