did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
