burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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