the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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