He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
