The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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