ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
