my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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