i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
