SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
