8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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