Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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