I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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